Surviving COVID-19 As A New Graduate Nurse

As I prepare for another shift in the morning on my unit, which is now the dedicated COVID-19 unit at my hospital, I can’t help but think about what I might be walking into after having 3 days off. The first time we got the news we were transitioning over, I remember we had a low census on the floor the past two shifts so the floor was eerily calm and quiet. I guess, the calm before the storm. So, we decided to move patients to one end and close the double doors and prep empty beds on the other end for possible infected patients and those positively identified already as having the virus. It seemed normal until I returned and suddenly we couldn’t wear our own scrubs, PPE was outside every room, and we were told to cluster care for patients to minimize exposure for ourselves. Sounds normal, but by day two I had become pretty worn out and didn’t realize it until I got home. It all hit me.

“I’ve cried a few tears, but I know these won’t be my first or my last.
”

It felt like a movie or something unreal. I kind of chuckled at myself donned in PPE the whole day. The image alone in my head just seemed awkwardly comical. Slipping in and out of gowns, gloves, face shields, and masks. Washing my hands so much they pruned by the end of shift, and not being able to be as personable to patients because the element of being able to check in on my patient for things as often as usual was eliminated. It became kind of stressful. But that wasn’t what bothered me the most. The added stress of hoping my patient didn’t need to be intubated, or knowing that any time they COULD need to be was always in the back of my mind. My eyes stayed glued on vitals at all times.

That thought was always creeping in my mind. Especially as I watched one of my patient’s O2 saturation drop by day 2 and I snuck up the liters of oxygen as I quietly monitored them for signs of struggle after they told me they owed me their life IF they survived. I corrected them quickly and said WHEN you survive, then reassured them they don’t owe me a thing, as I nervously monitored their oxygen needs. I stayed in the room a while and comforted them as best I could. From the actions of having to be in all of this garb that made me unrecognizable to my patient, to explaining what feels like experimental treatments that I had to personally do research from journals released to be able to explain so they weren’t aloof on what I was giving them, to not knowing if today would be the day I have to test my grit if a patient declines in front of me… it all just was a lot by the end of my back to back shifts.

Who knew that as soon as I caught my bearings in my residency as a new graduate nurse that I’d be faced with a pandemic? Who knew that the pandemic would meet me right in my face, on my floor? Having to answer hard questions like “have you ever seen anybody walk away from this alive?” and “do you think I’ll make it?” always makes me stumble, but lately, when I don’t really have an answer because I’ve NEVER seen this before and nobody around me has, either - it’s kind of a harrowing experience. For myself and for my patients.

I’ve cried a few tears, but I know these won’t be my first or my last.

- Begum, Over And Out ;)