On Mended Knee

This is for the lovers, the romantics who think love can do no wrong.

This is for the lovers, the romantics who fall hard and continue to get up; because like Aaliyah, you just dust yourself off and try again.

This is for the lovers, the romantics who are tired.

It’s me.

I’m the lover. I am the romantic. I am, indeed tired.

It is so crazy that one day you can look up and almost three years have gone by and you realize you’ve been dealing with inadequate love; Inadequate relationships that do not serve you or speak to who you are as a person. When I started to pick myself up and piece myself back together, I never thought I’d love so hard again, but then I realized I wanted to love harder and I wanted it to be with someone who gives me the space to love and be loved exactly how I deserve. I wanted to no longer be in a half empty glass, but in a glass half full - no, I wanted to be able to fill a glass to the brim and take up space as allowed and not feel confined, restricted, or a burden.

This is a letter to my inner lover girl who has yet to be freed at her fullest capacity. This is an ode to my broken heart who shall mend, once again. This is me apologizing to myself and allowing grace because it was never wrong to trust and be vulnerable, it was only wrong to stay when those things were compromised.

Sometimes it can be really hard to keep going when you have been consistently let down whether by your own bad decisions or others’ faulty actions. With so many people around me getting engaged and embarking on new journeys it can seem a bit overwhelming to still show up and be supportive when there are days my lover’s grief slides backwards and I am once again quarreling with mournful sorrow for a love once felt. These last few years have been the most trying. From being put under so much pressure that I would literally drop to my knees in prayer for a sign to stay or to go, only to consistently be met with confusion, to crying till my eyes were swollen shut, to locking myself in a dark room because ‘nothing mattered anymore’. Looking back, I can’t believe I allowed my emotions to be overtaken and for my sanity to be warped like that into thinking that that could ever possibly be what love should feel like and how I should experience love.

I am so proud of me, though. I am so proud of the lover, the romantic, the healing heart that knew when to walk away and love herself again. I’m so glad to be fully focused on my happiness again.

I know I usually have some lesson to tell or some great advice, but this time this was for me. This was just me exposing my thoughts and feelings and hopefully anybody reading realizes that they should probably stop letting situations situate and find someone who truly meets their requirements and makes them happy.

- Begum Over & Out ;)