What Is A 'Pick Me'?

What is a pick me, you ask? Why is a pick me problematic? Ever scrolled your twitter timeline and seen tweets with extreme retweets and likes but the message is towards women from other women expressing how they need to be better servants to men, stay out of their way, or telling you how you need to be “a man’s peace”?  Or maybe you've seen a woman so angry at women not being "women" these days on a long Facebook post. 

This is the platform for which a pick me stands on. She is so drowned in misogyny that she is projecting it unto other women and feeding into the oppressive stereotypes that women should be the “cater 2 u” woman for all men or else she will forever be single and unmarried (cue dramatic music). 

Pick me refers to the simple idea that one is basically sticking their hand in the air in a sea full of other women impatiently crying for the attention of men yelling out “pick me, pick me, pick me!”. She is quick to put down women who go against the constructs that were built to keep us down and will quickly call other women a “ho” for being single and exploring their sexual nature, or she will hop into a thread with men degrading women and usually agree with everything they are saying. She is putting herself in what she thinks is a power play position to show men that she is “not like other women” and she is deserving of being “wifed”.

So, let's take a gander at some of the pick me mating calls, why don't we?...

Typical Pick Me Arguments:

 

“I’ll take a Walmart ring over a $$k ring any day…”

This has been an ongoing argument with the costs of engagement rings and how women are incessantly needy by wanting to don a piece of jewelry that is “worthy” of showing off and how it shouldn’t matter if the man loves you. Indeed, if a man loves you, and he wants to prove his love through a ring and you don’t care what kind of ring it is, then that’s fine. But, why should other women shame another woman for wanting a more expensive ring, especially if her lover can afford it? If your man is spending on expensive shoes, meals, clothes, cars, etc. - why shouldn’t he be able to afford a more upscale ring for someone that he supposedly loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with?

The pick me will come in in this scenario by stating how she’d prefer a twist tie as long as a man is in love with her and is “willing to put up with her”. Why would you even consider yourself a nuisance and further imply that women should just be grateful for anything a man can do for her? This further puts men in a position to agree and combat women who feel they deserve better and want better for themselves, requiring more effort on the man’s part to actually try. This implies that women are a nuisance to men and we should just be docile and accepting of any lack of effort a man puts into a relationship. This is an example of the pick me trying to say she doesn’t require “high maintenance” or “fancy things” to be loved and to be with.

This is also problematic in setting up a scenario that all women aspire to even be married. That just isn’t the case. Women also shouldn’t have to settle for anything less than what they want and deserve. The pick me makes it seem as though women who demand more are the reason why they may be single or unwanted, and if they’d just require less then they, too, can be picked.

 

“No man wants to be with a ho…”

Why are you worried about what other women are doing with their bodies or their vaginas? If you are doing what you want and need in your life, why call another woman a derogatory term just to get attention? The construct of what a ho is is made by men who still fetishize virgins or women with a “low body count”, and the title can be given to women who aren’t even sexually active, but just how she may “carry herself”, so the idea of a ho doesn’t even exist. It is one-sided and meant to keep women from exploring their sexual nature the same way that men do. The idea that hos are being chosen as if a woman with a higher sex count can’t and shouldn’t be loved is wrong and the pick me will argue that her having less than 5 partners (sure) makes her a better partner and that women who carry themselves in a certain way are better than others and should be “picked” over the others. 

 

“Women need to learn that we are supposed to be a man’s peace…”

Okay, but what about your own peace as a woman? This further implicates that a man can do whatever he wants and drag a woman through emotional terrorism and a woman should still be there ready and waiting with dinner on the table, a foot massage, and sex just so that he isn’t upset with her. Women have too often been told that they shouldn’t fuss or “nag” about things that bother them in a relationship for fear that a man will leave her. This is a form of accepting that men should continue gaslighting women when they try to express their disapproval of negative actions that men do to them. No longer should women be silent about the transgressions that are brought to them in relationships and be “ride or die” for the sake of a relationship. What about a woman’s peace? If a relationship is supposed to be happiness, why would you accept anything but a man who cares about your feelings and your peace, too?

The pick me thinks that women should be docile and cater to her man every step of the way through his life without worrying about her own self. She will preach that women should be a man’s peace and we should not speak up about things. This is emotional abuse and a woman shouldn’t have to go through the struggle to eventually see this fictional happiness with a man who doesn’t care about your happiness.

But, hey, “pick me cause I’ll put my happiness to the side and act like I, too, don’t have stressful days”.

 

"If a guy asks me out on a date I'll pay for my own dinner/I'll pick up the tab..."

I'll just throw this one in here for good measure. 

It's okay to want to be a sugar mama every once in a while with your man. Duh. Who doesn't like to treat people they care about to gifts and things. But, this idea here is a totally different one. This one is brought upon by the idea that women who want to have a man pay for a first or even third, or all dates is some kind of gold digger or she's only after a free meal, etc. 

This mentality has been forced on a lot of women through time by being told that they, once again, are a burden and somehow women are all gold diggers if they prefer to be taken on a date rather than just have a Netflix and chill night. Understood there are some people who definitely use others, but understand that by having this idea that you have to pick up a tab on a date just because he has done it before or because you think it'll make some grand gesture is a weird behavior. To me, it's an internal manifestation that you have to prove that you are "not like these other women" and you're not a gold digger, so you HAVE to pick up a tab to feel validated by this man.

FYI:  He won't call you back just because you paid for dinner. He's not going to think you're any better than the last woman. He will still continue to do as he planned previous to you saving him that money he was about to spend on that 2 for 25 with no tip that you chose to go on because you aren't "high maintenance".

Don't let the pick mes scare you out of wanting to be courted and be asked on a date and be pampered, if only for a night. It's okay. Most men are okay with this and you can definitely return the favor when you want, but please don't feel like you have to pick up tabs and stuff to prove yourself worthy of his attention. 

 

so...

Are You A Pick Me?

I could go on and on about certain topics and arguments, but I would think that you get the idea that a pick me’s purpose is to try to promote herself as the ideal woman that a man should pick over others because she portrays that "perfect woman" who is “lady like” and doesn’t require much to be with. But, in truth, she’s just keeping women stagnant in our progressive movement out of the "barefoot and pregnant", "be proper and act like a lady", "women should be seen not heard" way of thinking. She thinks that by downing other women she puts herself at the head of the race to marriage and partnership. She is keeping her own self from liberation and furthering her own oppression, while dragging other women down with them all for a chance to be picked.

Do you find yourself hating on other women for being anything other than what social media tells us we should be, or what closed-minded men think women should be like? Do you often shame women for wearing certain things or having sex? Do you think all women should be seeking a husband? You just might be a pick me. But, women, you aren’t alone - there are pick me men, but this one if for us.

So, to all the pick mes: stay mad at the “hos” for having more likes on her summer pics, more DMs, and more dates to steakhouses than you and you continue fixing that plate she doesn’t have to, to try to win her man over. Bless up!

- Begum, Over and Out!  ;)

(I don't own any copyrights to any photos/graphics used in this post)

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